NEW GENERIC FANCLUB STATEMENT
FIVE WILL GET YOU SIX
The People of Innsmouth is the official fanclub of The Darkest of the Hillside thickets (not to be confused with the extensive myriad of unofficial fan clubs). As of this writing, there are almost 90 "official" members (i.e. those who have actually paid their dues) and about another 50 or so people who receive our newsletter (aptly titled "The People Of Innsmouth Fanclub Newsletter") because of their undying yet unofficial loyalty, their high status on the food chain, or because they're personal fiends of ours who deserve no less.
There are a number of ways to join our fanclub, as listed below. Fanclub members ("Persons of Innsmouth") are assigned a number based on the order in which they join (just like the Stonecutters) and receive 6 issues of newsletters, an exclusive fanclub sticker, a classy Person of Innsmouth certificate, and the ire of mankind and Great Old Ones alike.
"But Toren, how much does it cost?"
Well, you talking spot of mayonnaise, when our fanclub consisted of a handful of members, it was very exciting, and the mere thrill of having a fanclub was justification enough for us to pay a buck to print out and mail these pathetic little photocopied band updates, and pretty much anyone who wrote a letter saying "sign me up" was in for the long haul. Since then, of course, things have spun out of control, and I wish you all would JUST GO AWAY SO I CAN GET ON WITH MY LIFE!!! Ahem. Suffice it to say, because no major labels have had the foresight to take us under their financial umbrella, we just can't afford to operate that way anymore. Boo freakin' hoo.
Nevertheless, there are ways to become Persons of Innsmouth without shelling out the cash, per se. You can amuse us, worms! Send us your creative labours, i.e. letters, art, gruesome true stories, (Canadian) stamps, windsocks, glow-in-the-dark toys, whatever! The more amusing, insane and inventive, the better. All these things result in the accumulation of "Yog-Sothoth Points". The more Y-S Points you have, the longer you stay on our "kill quickly and painlessly" list (you don't want to be on the OTHER one), and the more goodies you'll get in return. You can also garner Y-S Points by ordering merchandise. Usually, for every increment of $10 or less that one orders, we imbue 1 Y-S point upon the patron. Anyway, I'm getting bored with writing this, so I'll get to the part about the money.
If you're too dull or stupid or lazy to even try keeping The Darkest of the Hillside Thickets entertained, you can join The People of Innsmouth by sending us five bucks (six bucks in Canada). I know, I know, I myself have been in the position of trying to get off my fat can to send a measly dollar for something which is probably more than worth it, but have been unwilling to do so just for the effort alone, not so much the monetary factor. But in the immortal words of Ghengis Khan, "tough bananas".
One can join our little club of doom by one of the following ways
(I'm willing to be a little lenient with these conditions, as circumstances warrant.)
WHAT YOU GET